You know how they have those memes or the saying where a female tries to warn a guy she’s dating that’s she’s crazy or can’t handle her and later throws it back at him and says I told you so. That’s unrealistically me. No doubt. It’s kind of annoying how much I truly relate to it because so many girls pull the crazy card just so they can act.. well crazy. But a different kind of crazy, the kind that catches their ex’s clothes on fire or breaks your windshield with a baseball bat because “he said she said” and wants to look tough and cool. That’s that little girl stuff. That’s “fuck boy” shit. That’s not me..
I’m the real “crazy”. And I honestly don’t mind being called “crazy”, because often it’s how I feel and sound. It’s like normal, when people say, “what ever normal is..”. I don’t know how to explain things, myself, how I feel, and I make no sense. So I try to warn a guy I’m talking to, dating, before I’m in a full on relationship with them, that I’m crazy.. I mean bipolar. I tell them if they want to run now is the chance. Or that I’m too much for them to handle, they always try and reassure me that their ex was worse and/or for real crazy (which is already fucked up on its own to be compared to an ex in any sort of way, if you take it that way, sometimes I do). I try to explain me and they get confused, don’t understand, and push it off.
Not to mention my communication is awful. My anxiety takes over and I go to the worst place in my head. I ask weird, irrelevant questions because my anxiety. Or I bottle it up because I don’t want to mess stuff up. I get paranoid because my past relationships have been mentally and physically abusive. I’ve been used, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated. That’s all on top of the bipolar and contributing to it. My bipolar causes me to stop communication completely or sound off for hours, days, weeks, and went as far as a month or unintentionally “ghosting”, which is cutting someone of with no explanation.
I push people away. I push them away before I get rejected or before disappointment sets in. Before my unrealistic expectations and my thought of someone is ruined. I ruin them for myself. I beat them to the punch, the punch that may or may not have even happened. I’m so scared of my past relationships I self sabotage and put the blame on them.
The past 9 months (I had it in my head as 6 months, gives the slightest insight of my inner mental workings for you, another for instance is I thought I was 23 for 3/4 months when I was actually 24! Also this, because I’m getting off point. Lol). Any who, again, the past 9 months I’ve been getting to know this guy. He’s a few years older, has two boys like me and very close in age. We were really hitting off. We both felt there was a real connection. However we’re both working, fulltime parents (which entails struggles all individually on their own in the dating world), plus I have a son with a mood disorder. I explain to him about my son and his struggles and about mine as well, this being after I had already blew him off, we’ve been busy, and I bipolar-ed him (I didn’t talk to him for a month, for no reason other than my depression state which is a reason actually. Ha And I’d not talk to him for a couple of days or two weeks sometimes.) We talked, he said he understood, I guess he didn’t. He acted like he was head over heels for me. Good morning texts, asking how me and my boys were, it was like we had met and been in a full on relationship, only we hadn’t, we hadn’t even met.
After talking we finally made a plan that worked and I want backing down. I told him who I was and how I was so I couldn’t pull one over on him and keep hiding this was it. We were gonna to meet! I was so nervous. I was letting someone in. And it had been a while since I had, because it’s never a success. Or always not a success, and evidently this was part of always.
I was getting ready, we were texting and joking, he was asking if I was nervous and why I asked him the same. Ten minutes till 8pm minor issues arose with my sons. I told him I’d be another 15-20 minutes and asked if that was okay, but nothing. Within that time everything with my son’s settled. I text him again and nothing.. I’ve been a serial texter due to my anxiety and I made sure to hold strong and not text anymore. Mostly because I thought (I may be wrong but this is where my mind went), that he was trying to give me a test of my own medicine..
Let me tell you, it hurt.. It only damaged my already damaged soul and self-esteem. I never meant to make him or anyone feel this way. Shut out, not good enough, a joke.. It’s hard to have perspective when I’m in a low low, or high high. I don’t even think of me. I get it, and I get it now more than ever. But here’s the thing, I told him, I let him know, I gave him the chance, and he didn’t take it. He acted like he was in (I definitely don’t expect all in, and was still caught off guard by this..) He acted like he got it or wanted to. He seemed to be trying. I had apologized. I opened up, one of my many fears.. And he confirmed my fears..
I know not all men are alike, they all won’t do this, I’ll get over it or past it, I’ll find a great guy when the time is right, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. I know.. But it doesn’t make me feel any less betrayed, hurt, or like it’s my fault some how. Like if I’m unlovable (Don’t worry I know I am lovable! I’m fucking amazing! Any guy would be lucky to have me, but it still fucks with ya girl.).
However I will strive on. Slowly. In time. In the.. future.. but not now. I will continue to focus on my son’s and I. I won’t actively seek. And I’ll continue to be me. Everyday I’ll try to be a better me than the day before. And one day I will find the right guy. Right now though, I’ll wrote about it and eat a twinkie to heal the pain (which is nothing compared to past pain but not insignificant either). Everyday is a new day. I learn from my past, and if people can’t accept manic me that is their problem. I love me all of me, even manic me. 😙🙂😏
I know this may sound dramatic for only talking and not even meeting. But it’s me. Also if you knew about my past relationships, that I’ll get into later, you’d know just how hard it is for me to let someone in like this.