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I hope I get the hang of this soon..

I’m only dipping my toes in the warm water, and boy am I enjoying it. But I’m pretty much a mess the majority of the time since birth. So wether I enjoy something or it’s a necessity, it seems difficult to be consistent, it’s hard for me to really stick to a hobby or interest; even if I’m good at it..

I tend to get distracted. One minute I’m doing laundry, the next I’m half done filling the dishwasher. Then, not even done with the dishes, I’m hanging my clothes that have been on my bed for two or three weeks.. After that, I still have clothes on my bed, I’m sweeping. I’m lucky if I finish one task before starting another, or finishing one completely at all. I get overwhelmed and because I do this and it builds up. I start to space out, day dream, or do the; what ifs, buts, and ands..

Blogging and writting Ā is something I enjoy. So far. I know I really should take a English class. And probably a few writing classes, which sounds like a ton of fun. I should watch videos (I dont know if that’s even a blogging learning thing or not. Ha), read on how to’s and blogging for dummies. Also just read and follow other people. I’m either doing or going to do those things.

I need to make myself realize one thing at a time. I’m not perfect and I can’t compare myself to others. I’ll get the hang of this, it may take a long time or may happen by the end of this week (just kidding). But I will not give up. I hope I look back at these posts months or even years from now and think.. “Man, I’m doing so much better at this than I thought”.

So continue to give me constructive criticism if you will please. I love it. I love how non-judgemental everyone has been so far! Thank you! And may my journey prevail! šŸ˜Š

My future

The fear is crippling..

My anxiety over powers me, it’s overwhelmingly destructive.

As if I’m in The Hunger Games, except I’m not after anyone, but the world is after me. 

Doom is my destiny.

Only I’ve set myself up for failure, it wasn’t inevitable.

I knew what I was doing, I ignored the consequences.

I did this and I’ll have to pay my debt to society.

I’m scared of what may not even happen. 

I’m trying but not hard enough.

I blame it on everything else, but I know the truth.

The blame is on me. 

I hurt.. I hurt for my boys.. I hurt for their future. 

I hurt for my family. 

And I’m scared. 

The fear is crippling

My anxiety over powers me, it’s overwhelmingly destructive.

Doom is my destiny..

Weird days

I often have odd days, so much that they shouldn’t be odd anymore.. ha It’s like all my bipolar-ness in one day. Today has been one of those days. 

I began working again Tuesday. I’m so relieved to be working again, finally! I haven’t worked in a while, months actually.. So I’m still readjusting to the whole schedule and adjusting to a new work place. It was more difficult at first because I was nervous and had anxiety about working somewhere new but got used to it quickly. New places with strangers always gives me anxiety. 

Today was my third day. Pretty much readjusted to the schedule and first day off of training. Work went well and Jon had a good day at school, also Jordin behaved at my moms. 

So what was so weird about today? My mood. Even after having a good day I became irritable all of a sudden. I went to put my money on my bank card so I could pay a bill, and come to find out the billing site no longer takes my card type ( I’m beginning to hate Amex).. The boys were refusing to listen and behave, not to mention the heat, and the lack of air conditioning in the car. 

I very much dislike how one little thing can make me become so irritable. I try not to be. I focus on the positives and think happy thoughts. I asked my mom to pay my bill feeling less like an adult, but relieved to have it paid.. Then my texting starts to act up as I’m texting my mom. At times it’s like one thing after the other. I hate it because it’s so petty.. I hate it because it’s petty and I can’t help being irritable. 

I’m short with the boys and none of this is their fault. They’re little boys.. They run in and out of the house and I’m tired and hot. The day feels long, but I still have to clean, make dinner  (figure out what dinner is even going to be), bathe the boys, and do laundry. 

I just need some time though.. Some time to calm down and cool off (figuratively and literally). I shew them off to their room to play so I can have a little quiet and so I’m not getting on to them for doing little things. All I want to do is binge watch Netflix and order pizza for delivery.  But alas I can not.. 

So here I am expressing and venting. Honestly I do feel a little better, but I still want to binge watch Netflix and order pizza. I’ll force myself to my duties in a few. Bed time comes too son but not soon enough. There’s never enough time in a day, yet I’m ready for the day to be over already. Or just my weird, irritable, moody, bipolar-ness to be over.  Yeah I’d style for that. 

Hesitation

“With writing comes exposure, and with exposure comes vulnerability.” I personally heard this on a CW show, Jane the Virgin. But if credit goes to someone else cudos to them, because it is spot on. The exposure and vulnerability from writing can be immense.

I was extremely hesitant to begin blogging. I didn’t and don’t know exactly what I’m doing, where I’m going, or how far I’ll go. It’s hard to show intimate and emotional sides anytime anywhere, wether writing or in person. The fear of judgement, misunderstanding, and rejection fills me every time I begin to write. 

In high school, English, was one of my better subjects. I was even in AP English. Since then though, 8 years later, I don’t remember all the rules and proper ways of writing and grammer. However I still enjoy it, and would love to take another class to refresh and learn more. 

Also since then so much has happened in my life. Success and failure, good things and bad things. I’ve met many new and interesting individuals. As well as lost some from my life in many different ways. With all these life experiences comes so many emotions and at times it may be hard to rehash some of them. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and been through stuff I’m not sure I want the whole world, or I guess all 16 of my followers and fellow bloggers to know. 

None the less, I will get to it all little by little. Other’s in the world already judge me and I judge myself, so why not. I am slightly more comforted though, because you all have been helpful and kind so far. The more one tells their stories, the more they heal. And I am healing, because, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Also, God will not give us more than we can handle, as hard as that may be to believe for me at times. 

So prepare for the worst everyone. Just kidding, although I’m sure many will be surprised of my actions and life events. I’ll still be hesitant but will ensure and persist. Words of encouragement are welcome, and just please don’t hate me. Haha 

Driving drives me crazy

So last year in May I was in a bad car accident, the truck involved flipped over upside down. Luckily my two friends and I were left with only minor injuries, as well as the couple in the truck. Since then even seeing an accident gives me anxiety. I no longer have full on anxiety attacks but I still get anxiety and have flash backs of my wreck. 

Yesterday after leaving the lake with Jon and Jojo a car cut me off. I had to swerve, push on my brakes, layed on the horn, and my tires screeched, barely missing the other car. They guy waved as to say sorry several times.. I asked if my boys were okay and they were, but scared. I continued home with my mind full of racing thoughts of what could have happened. I ranted on facebook, then wrote down some thoughts..

Emotional

My boys= my life

All of us scared

Asking them if they’re okay before I realize I’m not

My wreck.. A year ago

Seeing other wrecks

Anxiety attacks 

Constantly almost getting hit by others

Anxiety

Anxiety about having anxiety attacks

Fighting tears 

While driving

Yet not almost hitting anyone

Overwhelmed

Finally home

Still can’t get it off my mind

Tramatic

Anxiety

Dating in my manic mind

Caution cursing used

You know how they have those memes or the saying where a female tries to warn a guy she’s dating that’s she’s crazy or can’t handle her and later throws it back at him and says I told you so. That’s unrealistically me. No doubt. It’s kind of annoying how much I truly relate to it because so many girls pull the crazy card just so they can act.. well crazy. But a different kind of crazy, the kind that catches their ex’s clothes on fire or breaks your windshield with a baseball bat because “he said she said” and wants to look tough and cool. That’s that little girl stuff. That’s “fuck boy” shit. That’s not me..
I’m the real “crazy”. And I honestly don’t mind being called “crazy”, because often it’s how I feel and sound. It’s like normal, when people say, “what ever normal is..”. I don’t know how to explain things, myself, how I feel, and I make no sense. So I try to warn a guy I’m talking to, dating, before I’m in a full on relationship with them, that I’m crazy.. I mean bipolar. I tell them if they want to run now is the chance. Or that I’m too much for them to handle, they always try and reassure me that their ex was worse and/or for real crazy (which is already fucked up on its own to be compared to an ex in any sort of way, if you take it that way,  sometimes I do). I try to explain me and they get confused, don’t understand, and push it off.

Not to mention my communication is awful. My anxiety takes over and I go to the worst place in my head. I ask weird, irrelevant questions because my anxiety. Or I bottle it up because I don’t want to mess stuff up. I get paranoid because my past relationships have been mentally and physically abusive. I’ve been used, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated. That’s all on top of the bipolar and contributing to it. My bipolar causes me to stop communication completely or sound off for hours, days, weeks, and went as far as a month or unintentionally “ghosting”, which is cutting someone of with no explanation.

I push people away. I push them away before I get rejected or before disappointment sets in. Before my unrealistic expectations and my thought of someone is ruined. I ruin them for myself. I beat them to the punch, the punch that may or may not have even happened. I’m so scared of my past relationships I self sabotage and put the blame on them.

The past 9 months (I had it in my head as 6 months, gives the slightest insight of my inner mental workings for you, another for instance is I thought I was 23 for 3/4 months when I was actually 24! Also this, because I’m getting off point. Lol). Any who, again, the past 9 months I’ve been getting to know this guy. He’s a few years older, has two boys like me and very close in age. We were really hitting off. We both felt there was a real connection. However we’re both working, fulltime parents (which entails struggles all individually on their own in the dating world), plus I have a son with a mood disorder. I explain to him about my son and his struggles and about mine as well,  this being after I had already blew him off, we’ve been busy, and I bipolar-ed him (I didn’t talk to him for a month, for no reason other than my depression state which is a reason actually. Ha And I’d not talk to him for a couple of days or two weeks sometimes.) We talked, he said he understood, I guess he didn’t. He acted like he was head over heels for me. Good morning texts, asking how me and my boys were,  it was like we had met and been in a full on relationship, only we hadn’t, we hadn’t even met.

After talking we finally made a plan that worked and I want backing down. I told him who I was and how I was so I couldn’t pull one over on him and keep hiding this was it. We were gonna to meet! I was so nervous. I was letting someone in. And it had been a while since I had, because it’s never a success. Or always not a success, and evidently this was part of always.

I was getting ready, we were texting and joking, he was asking if I was nervous and why I asked him the same. Ten minutes till 8pm minor issues arose with my sons. I told him I’d be another 15-20 minutes and asked if that was okay,  but nothing. Within that time everything with my son’s settled. I text him again and nothing.. I’ve been a serial texter due to my anxiety and I made sure to hold strong and not text anymore. Mostly because I thought (I may be wrong but this is where my mind went), that he was trying to give me a test of my own medicine..

Let me tell you, it hurt.. It only damaged my already damaged soul and self-esteem. I never meant to make him or anyone feel this way. Shut out, not good enough, a joke.. It’s hard to have perspective when I’m in a low low, or high high. I don’t even think of me. I get it, and I get it now more than ever.  But here’s the thing, I told him, I let him know, I gave him the chance, and he didn’t take it. He acted like he was in (I definitely don’t expect all in, and was still caught off guard by this..) He acted like he got it or wanted to. He seemed to be trying. I had apologized. I opened up, one of my many fears.. And he confirmed my fears..

I know not all men are alike, they all won’t do this,  I’ll get over it or past it, I’ll find a great guy when the time is right, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. I know.. But it doesn’t make me feel any less betrayed, hurt, or like it’s my fault some how. Like if I’m unlovable (Don’t worry I know I am lovable! I’m fucking amazing! Any guy would be lucky to have me, but it still fucks with ya girl.).

However I will strive on. Slowly. In time. In the.. future.. but not now. I will continue to focus on my son’s and I. I won’t actively seek. And I’ll continue to be me. Everyday I’ll try to be a better me than the day before. And one day I will find the right guy. Right now though,  I’ll wrote about it and eat a twinkie to heal the pain (which is nothing compared to past pain but not insignificant either). Everyday is a new day. I learn from my past, and if people can’t accept manic me that is their problem. I love me all of me, even manic me. šŸ˜™šŸ™‚šŸ˜

I know this may sound dramatic for only talking and not even meeting. But it’s me. Also if you knew about my past relationships, that I’ll get into later, you’d know just how hard it is for me to let someone in like this.

Making sense of manic me

When I woke up I wasn’t in a good mood or bad one, I began my day by getting my oldest son ready for school. The normal difficulties arose with his slight attitude but subsided. Getting him to school peacefully was a success and by time I returned home I was optimistic about my ability to be productive today.

I began here, where I left off last night, educating myself a little more on the etiquette of blogging.  I was doing something, which is better than nothing. I wasn’t stuck on Facebook or Twitter and I wasn’t browsing Netflix looking for my next victim. I revised some pieces, my profile, and browsed the reader. I got my younger son breakfast and settled him down with a movie. All while avoiding outside or any actual physical chores. I kept giving myself those mental affirmations and eventually got up and ran/walked a mile. Feeling confident and productive I went on to make Jojo, my youngest son, lunch. 

Now mind you, it is only 12:40pm.. But at some point in this short amount of time an unsettling feeling swarmed me. All of a sudden I didn’t have the ambition to be productive, the optimism to continue blogging, or the drive and energy to even fold the laundry or load the dishwasher. The eagerness to get out of the house and meet my friend for lunch was gone, all my fucks for the day seemed to dissolve in an instant.

It’s not that I’m lazy or anything like that. And at times it’s hard for me to put into words the way I’m feeling. I want to do all these things and more. I want to be super mom and wake up early instead of ten minutes before my son has to get up to get ready for school. I want to have the whole house clean by time I pick my son up from school and do fun things for Jojo while his brother Jon is at school. I want to read five articles, advice, and others blogs. Even a few of those many things and one or two chores would do. Some days I can be incredibly motivated and productive other days I’m an irritable vegetable.. 

The fact is living with bipolar disorder, or manic depressive disorder, can be minute to minute, day to day, week to week, month to month.. 

There was a time I couldn’t cope. I didn’t know how to handle myself. I was an emotional wreck or a zombie. Hardly ever was I “normal”. It took a long time to recognize when I was about to have a low, which was a gateway to an even lower low. I’d be depressed for a month to months at a time. I felt like I was wasting away at times, close to no emotions, was constantly irritable, or sad and ashamed. I wouldn’t answer phone calls or text back, even if it was my family. I avoided family get togethers, even some birthdays. I no called no showed to work and co-workers were worried. They said it wasn’t like me, little did they know it wasn’t the first time i fucked off a good job. It was even hard for me to care of my baby boys.. i didn’t want to get out of bed, make meals, leave my bedroom, or listen to their sweet stories. I felt like an irritable monster.. 

But after researching and reading articles and others stories(no one is alike) I began to log mentally and on paper, occasionally, my moods. I still have a long way to go. I could and need to change my caffeine intake and diet, as well as exercise more. Maybe visit my doctor every once in a while. Further explore medication options(currently not on medication, always discuss with your doctor, I haven’t been on meds for years),  have some real me time, or mediate. 

My manic states are much more difficult for me in a sense. I’ve quit jobs in this state also because I wanted to enjoy myself, my “friends”, the summer (which is usually when I’m manic I’ve come to find).. I’d  take my boys out and they’d have a blast, blow my money on take out and stuff for them or myself. The house was always taken care of and I felt on top of the world (mind you in each state I do have bouts of the opposite state). I was happy go lucky, I was glad to not be a shell of me and a depressive potato. I didn’t realize that I was doing harm much like my depressive state but completely opposite at the same time, if that makes any sense to anyone other than myself. It’s still hard for me to level my manic state out, but even harder to see it coming. I get blinded by the thought that I’m feeling okay. 

I’m a work in progress. A mother under construction. But I’m me. I’ve learned to love myself and continue to fall in love with myself. I embrace every ever changing side of me and my personality. I’ve began attempting to what seems to be healthily dating. Which is an adventure and struggle all of its own. I no longer feel like everyone hates me and is judging me, or like the world is out to get me. Well maybe occasionally, but no where near like before. I can feel accepted and take rejection a lot better(not always at first though). I’m also making more sense of my feelings, thoughts, and life all around. Which is success even if others can’t make sense of me. Haha

Angst

I often get this feeling of what’s next? Or what am I doing?! Where am I going in this day, week, month, year, next 5 years, or in life in general? And even though I don’t know where I’m going, how am I going to get there.. to no where..?

My mind is led by an overwhelming feeling of being hopelessly overwhelmed and it’s ledĀ to an abyss..

I have so many hopes, dreams, ambitions, and loves.. Ā But then sets in the what ifs’, buts’, and ands’. The crippling anxiety, it stops be dead in my tracks.. I can’t even begin to begin. I think “how do I even know what the right choices are?”, “which will benefit me and my boys most?”, “which will I enjoy the most?”, and “which will I be the best at?”.

It’s crossfire every which way, like a bunch of tangled string all different colors.. Ruby red, mint green, navy blue, violet, black, teal, magenta, gold, and tangerine. Some connect and some don’t. It’s a beautiful mess, much like my emotions and life..

At times it’s hard to comprehendĀ where to begin. At first it doesn’t seem so difficult, then again it looks like it’ll be a bitch. The light at the end of the tunnel is there and then it isn’t, then it’sĀ there again, and in between it dims in and out. TediousĀ untangling and untwining. It’ll take time but it seems somewhat manageable.

Once that’s done there’s more.. Winding it up so it doesn’t get tangled up again, color coding, and organizing. Then putting it to use so it doesn’t go to waste, so you don’t forget about it yet again. But one day eventually it happens. For me anyways, it’s inevitable. And when I stumble upon it again, I find it in a huge bundle of a hectic ball of hues. The abyss of thread and thoughts of my life. My manic mind.