Angst

I often get this feeling of what’s next? Or what am I doing?! Where am I going in this day, week, month, year, next 5 years, or in life in general? And even though I don’t know where I’m going, how am I going to get there.. to no where..?

My mind is led by an overwhelming feeling of being hopelessly overwhelmed and it’s led to an abyss..

I have so many hopes, dreams, ambitions, and loves..  But then sets in the what ifs’, buts’, and ands’. The crippling anxiety, it stops be dead in my tracks.. I can’t even begin to begin. I think “how do I even know what the right choices are?”, “which will benefit me and my boys most?”, “which will I enjoy the most?”, and “which will I be the best at?”.

It’s crossfire every which way, like a bunch of tangled string all different colors.. Ruby red, mint green, navy blue, violet, black, teal, magenta, gold, and tangerine. Some connect and some don’t. It’s a beautiful mess, much like my emotions and life..

At times it’s hard to comprehend where to begin. At first it doesn’t seem so difficult, then again it looks like it’ll be a bitch. The light at the end of the tunnel is there and then it isn’t, then it’s there again, and in between it dims in and out. Tedious untangling and untwining. It’ll take time but it seems somewhat manageable.

Once that’s done there’s more.. Winding it up so it doesn’t get tangled up again, color coding, and organizing. Then putting it to use so it doesn’t go to waste, so you don’t forget about it yet again. But one day eventually it happens. For me anyways, it’s inevitable. And when I stumble upon it again, I find it in a huge bundle of a hectic ball of hues. The abyss of thread and thoughts of my life. My manic mind.

I hope I get the hang of this soon..

I’m only dipping my toes in the warm water, and boy am I enjoying it. But I’m pretty much a mess the majority of the time since birth. So wether I enjoy something or it’s a necessity, it seems difficult to be consistent, it’s hard for me to really stick to a hobby or interest; even if I’m good at it..

I tend to get distracted. One minute I’m doing laundry, the next I’m half done filling the dishwasher. Then, not even done with the dishes, I’m hanging my clothes that have been on my bed for two or three weeks.. After that, I still have clothes on my bed, I’m sweeping. I’m lucky if I finish one task before starting another, or finishing one completely at all. I get overwhelmed and because I do this and it builds up. I start to space out, day dream, or do the; what ifs, buts, and ands..

Blogging and writting  is something I enjoy. So far. I know I really should take a English class. And probably a few writing classes, which sounds like a ton of fun. I should watch videos (I dont know if that’s even a blogging learning thing or not. Ha), read on how to’s and blogging for dummies. Also just read and follow other people. I’m either doing or going to do those things.

I need to make myself realize one thing at a time. I’m not perfect and I can’t compare myself to others. I’ll get the hang of this, it may take a long time or may happen by the end of this week (just kidding). But I will not give up. I hope I look back at these posts months or even years from now and think.. “Man, I’m doing so much better at this than I thought”.

So continue to give me constructive criticism if you will please. I love it. I love how non-judgemental everyone has been so far! Thank you! And may my journey prevail! 😊